Again, my own words in my face! Talking to a 9 year old, I heard my own words and it felt like some one else was speaking and I really heard them. Instantly I felt like I have no right to tell her and at the same time felt I have every right to tell her those things. The very well known conflict of "Do as I say not as I do".
The story is this. The girl I'm talking about is very musical, very gifted and sparkling bright but not a disciplined worker. She had a concert on Thursday and made a proper mess in one of the pieces. We were talking today about possible reasons why it happened and she said she has no idea what happened, all she knows is that she was really scared and her heart was bitting like crazy. I left it there because I wanted to give her space to find the answer for herself.
We started the lesson and every third note was a wrong one until she finally banged with both hands on the piano saying "What's happening ?? Why is this happening when I practiced yesterday". We spent time reflecting and it turned out that she practiced only yesterday since the concert. So, the teacher me then started to talk about discipline and organizing/planning, the importance of consistency and staying in good mental condition. I gave the "every day, every piano lesson, every minute you spend at the piano and every minute you spend thinking about your pieces is a preparation for the public performance or the exam. The more quality minutes you spend the better your performance will be" SLAP!!!! There it was. It's not even a quote, it's my words.
It's been almost a month since I posted something on my blog. And this is what's been going on.There was a voice inside me that was saying "you need to be consistent and make yourself be disciplined to write" and another voice that was saying "you'll write when you have something to offer". Looking deeper into that I realized that it's actually a question of "what is worthy of saying" and the fact that I felt like I had nothing worthy of saying for almost a month.
Going deeper and deeper I realized that I feel like the space around me is closing and it gets difficult to breathe (metaphorically of course)- be at ease, feel inspired, stay fascinated...and I had a very strong feeling that I want time off.
But time off what? Time off voices, stories, sounds, obligations, responsibilities...I want time to listen. Listen to the things inside worthy of saying. The things worthy of knowing, even if they're just relevant to me and no one else. Next question was how much time off do I need? As I was about to say it would be so nice to meditate and write every day, I realized that I probably can if I organize myself in that way.SLAP!! again. We're back there.
And then there was the restless kid inside me moaning about spontaneity and freedom. The kid felt very confident because it was supported by the story of my Yoga instructor about the Native Americans tribe. A Yoga Master went to work with them on a research and every day it seemed they're doing everything but the thing that he came for. They kept saying "the time will come, we don't feel like it now"...they were doing exactly what they felt like at the moment. I started thinking how I can put a bit of that in my "I have to do this now" life. How can one plan and be spontaneous?
In the spirit of the Native Americans, there are two wolfs fighting inside me, one that feels like planning and organizing and the other that is on a "plan free" holiday!
