Project "Life", have you got enough funding?

Couple of months ago the NGO that I am running  www.luccaleadership.org/macedonia received a grant from the European Commission in Brussels to organize a week long leadership programme for 24 young people coming from 6 countries.

We've been waiting for this moment ever since we registered the organization in 2009. It seemed so far, out of reach, beyond our capacity...and now we have to select 24 out of the 80 people that applied.

It's been an amazing experience so far, on a personal as well as team level. 

I am a person that tends to panick. Not in the *AAAAAAAAAAAAA, tears, hair pulling way* but in an internal, silent way.
Panicking by expecting the worst, giving no credit to myself and waiting for the moment when I'll mess up.

So, since I noticed a big change in my behavior and internal state this time, I will try to put up a list of what worked for me:

1. constant hang out time with myself (journaling, How am I....OK, now seriously How am I? Why do I feel this way, what's causing this?)
2. being upset with everyone that has their life figured out (because it made me search, and dig deeper to see why and how and when)
3. freezing to every question that has a deeper meaning: What do I love? Am I happy? (they sank in my heart and they started living there, without realizing I was answering them)
4. one year of people telling you you've become weird (it most probably means you're doing the things you love, really doing the things you really love)
5. cutting pictures from magazines because it helps you get to know yourself better (again, you're probably weird)
6. build a TRUST system-The most important,-the start position-you won't get anywhere until you have it-trust: Trust in myself. (when you trust yourself and you realize you don't know something, you can ask help without feeling bad about yourself or putting yourself down)
7. being carried away by the people who have their lives figured out and are saying that YOU need to figure your life NOW...no YESTERDAY!It's been 2 days and you still haven't....come oooon?!  Instant "fix yourself", "learn everything you need to know in 5 min", "discover your inner passion in 1 week" stuff....eeerrrrmm well that's scary and you'll probably end up feeling like a failure (yes, personal experience speaking).
   Find your own way, give yourself the time YOU need. The big questions, they need answering every day not only one week.
8. say No! I know you know this, I knew it as well. But really say no. I made a list of all the things that I do for all sorts of reasons but not because I really want to and I wanted to see how that list can get shorter and shorter. If you're not being true to yourself you're not being true to anyone.
   If you're drinking coffee with someone and thinking about that book you left at home....you get the point.
9. voicing your fears - to yourself, to a friend, to your notebook, to your painting, your piece of music, to that tree.
   Follow your intuition about this and trust it. Do what you feel you need to do.
   There are people who will say anything to make you feel good (and that's great) but do you really need that? Coach yourself, guide yourself like you would guide your best friend.
10. listening to yourself- this summer I got a very, no VERY strong proof that the things that come from inside, especially if I don't like what they're saying and how they sound (especially then!), they're true.
11. don't chase the things that are clearly running away from you   chase the things that are running away from  you but once you realize what you're doing, stop.

TO BE CONTINUED....

How does this have anything to do with running projects and organizations? Boy oh boy, it does.

    

Life is one big project, everything else is on the "Activity" list.


p.s what would your list look like?

Balance- which is probably why you need both feet

I've been having a difficult time again. It feels like it's a periodic thing, sometimes the periods are days sometimes they're hours. One period is: I trust this is happening for my own good, I am content deep inside, I am grateful for the experience, and at those moments physically I feel light, my body feels limitless. The other period is: the sadness is back and I can't take it anymore, I'm not enough so I need to do a),b) or c), I don't want the experience I want to be happy, I want to be with him-physically I feel small and crushed and I lose energy really fast. 

Last time I was writing about falling apart. In the meantime I read a book where a Guru is telling to her devotee "Don't fall apart too often, so that you don't let it become a habit". Also, I know we need to accept ourselves for where we're at at the moment and not fight our thoughts but then again our thoughts become actions so we better watch out what we're thinking.  

Now, I passionately love philosophy and Yoga, understanding myself and how things and people function....but this is just too confusing at times, I feel like I don't understand anything.

This week- my holiday week I came to (for me) a rather scary and shocking realization. 80% of the time I think about the failed relationship, what happened, how, why, is there anything I could have done, anything I can still do! Seriously?! Come on. I'm actually starting to feel bored by myself and my thoughts. And they're linked with emotions, so they result with melancholy, fear and eventually emptiness and sadness.

When these thoughts kick in I need to consciously remind myself that I was there, by his side - following his step; in front of him- like a cartoon character, juggling, swallowing balls of fire, walking on the string, waving with big flags writing "I love you", "I'm here" in the air; behind him- giving him his own space.....and somehow that was not enough and he didn't want me in any of those places. I feel like I've been using a body lotion that isn't good for my skin, so my skin started to pill off and change its color...But I just love the smell of it so I keep using it, convincing myself that in time my skin might get used to it.

Today I feel like I don't know what or where the balance is. I guess right now, the balance would be to keep on giving that dose of reality when those thoughts kick in.