Balance- which is probably why you need both feet

I've been having a difficult time again. It feels like it's a periodic thing, sometimes the periods are days sometimes they're hours. One period is: I trust this is happening for my own good, I am content deep inside, I am grateful for the experience, and at those moments physically I feel light, my body feels limitless. The other period is: the sadness is back and I can't take it anymore, I'm not enough so I need to do a),b) or c), I don't want the experience I want to be happy, I want to be with him-physically I feel small and crushed and I lose energy really fast. 

Last time I was writing about falling apart. In the meantime I read a book where a Guru is telling to her devotee "Don't fall apart too often, so that you don't let it become a habit". Also, I know we need to accept ourselves for where we're at at the moment and not fight our thoughts but then again our thoughts become actions so we better watch out what we're thinking.  

Now, I passionately love philosophy and Yoga, understanding myself and how things and people function....but this is just too confusing at times, I feel like I don't understand anything.

This week- my holiday week I came to (for me) a rather scary and shocking realization. 80% of the time I think about the failed relationship, what happened, how, why, is there anything I could have done, anything I can still do! Seriously?! Come on. I'm actually starting to feel bored by myself and my thoughts. And they're linked with emotions, so they result with melancholy, fear and eventually emptiness and sadness.

When these thoughts kick in I need to consciously remind myself that I was there, by his side - following his step; in front of him- like a cartoon character, juggling, swallowing balls of fire, walking on the string, waving with big flags writing "I love you", "I'm here" in the air; behind him- giving him his own space.....and somehow that was not enough and he didn't want me in any of those places. I feel like I've been using a body lotion that isn't good for my skin, so my skin started to pill off and change its color...But I just love the smell of it so I keep using it, convincing myself that in time my skin might get used to it.

Today I feel like I don't know what or where the balance is. I guess right now, the balance would be to keep on giving that dose of reality when those thoughts kick in.