Good morning Friday...it's been a while

WORDS

This weekend I decided to visit my Grand-mum who lives in a little mountain town in Eastern Macedonia. As much as I wanted to see her, I also felt like I need some time on my own. After the intense, overwhelming, emotionally charged few months everything inside me was saying "You need to go away". 

So, I did.

I've always had a feeling that books fall in my hands. I feel that a book I need to read always finds its way to me. And I am almost sure that I've co-written all those books. If I haven't then how does someone get in my mind or climbs to my heart to put it in words..? A wonderful manifestation of our similarities.

This blog started as a result of my fascination with a book. 

I am not going to start a new one, but the book I am reading now definitely deserves it. "The fifth agreement"  by Miguel and Jose Ruiz, a father and a son revealing the simplest, most beautiful truth about my two biggest fascinations: life and human beings.

While I was riding on the bus I was asking myself questions. One of them was: "Why do you need to go away?". A little (not very pleasant) voice was giving a remark "You know you can't run away from yourself, so you'll probably spend the weekend thinking and feeling the same stuff", and as the conversation in my head was developing, somewhere around my heart a silent voice said "I just need to". That was enough for me. I am following what is needed and that's the best I can do.

The place where my Grand-mum lives has the most calming effect over me. One breath of fresh air and I feel like everything inside me is aligned. An aligned mess that is :)

In the silence of the town and of the house all my hidden emotions and thoughts started to make a lot of noise. Fighting for my attention, fighting which one will win and take the control over me. 

Instead of giving into it, I decided to go for a walk. It was the first winter like, really cold weekend and when I got up in the morning it was snowing. The first snow on October 16th and I was there to witness it. 

After putting on too many layers of clothes I went out. 

My first destination is always the same. The Monastery on the top of the hill. Why I love that place is probably a whole blog post by itself so I won't get into it. 

As I was walking there I asked myself more questions. The fact that I was asking myself questions was quite surprising because normally that's not how I communicate with myself. Usually it would be endless thoughts, scenarios followed by strong emotional response. This time it was questions. 

One of them made me stop for a moment because the answer came immediately and it was almost shocking. So, I took both of them-question and answer with me inside the Monastery. 

It was freezing cold inside, complete silence and 3 candles burning. 

I set down on a little bench and had a look around. I know that place by heart, I know every detail of it, I felt incredibly safe. And then I started crying. There was a voice again saying that it's lame that I'm sitting in an empty Monastery and crying (and that made me smile) but it felt like I had no control over the tears. I couldn't locate them, I didn't know where they're coming from and why? And quite surprisingly I decided to sit and cry and not put the tiniest effort into understanding, thinking or feeling. I was sitting on the bench in the freezing Monastery and the tears were rolling down, warming my face. 

When I felt ready I went for a long walk, deeper in the forest. And when I finally couldn't feel the fingers on my hands I decided to go in the near by hotel and have a cup of tea and rum. (Another blog post here about the tea aroma as well).

And this is where it gets interesting. Really interesting!

All of this is something I would have usually done: go to the monastery, go for a walk, spend few hours on my own. The crying was not the only surprising new thing. I felt different. Everything that was happening inside me felt unknown, I was intrigued almost challenged to witness it. When I sat down to have a cup of tea and tried to put it in words this is what came out:

"Tears were running down my face. I didn't know why or where they're coming from. In that moment I could feel my soul, it was open and it was trying to say something. But the soul doesn't say words, the soul doesn't know of words. I decided not to name anything. 

How could I, when I didn't know the words?! They probably don't exist. I decided to just sit with it and let it be, let it speak to me in a language that is new to me, and it feels so old like I've known it forever. And even if it doesn't happen again or if I never understand what it is or what it means, I'll know that I have set with it. I have felt what Beethoven was saying through notes and Monet through colors: Life! 

When you lose the words to describe the moment, that's when you discover something new, something that goes beyond words. It's a different level of understanding that is coming out from the core, the place where words and common thought have no access."

In the evening I continued with "The Fifth Element" and I had goose bumps all over me when I started reading where I had stopped before: 

"If you understand the fifth agreement you will see the reason why you don't need to believe what you can see, what you already know without words. The truth doesn't come with words.  The truth is silent. it's something that you just know, it's something that you can feel without words, and it's called silent knowledge. Silent knowledge is what you know before you invest your faith in symbols. When you open yourself to the truth , and learn to listen, then all the symbols lose their value, and the only thing that remains is the truth. There's nothing to know there's nothing to justify."

It's a whole chapter about words and truth but this is the summary that made me feel like this book has a secret access to my heart and like it knows what's happening inside it and puts it on the page just before I start reading. 

It was a beautiful weekend that made me feel even more fascinated by life's little pleasures and miracles. Isn't it amazing?

Project "Life", have you got enough funding?

Couple of months ago the NGO that I am running  www.luccaleadership.org/macedonia received a grant from the European Commission in Brussels to organize a week long leadership programme for 24 young people coming from 6 countries.

We've been waiting for this moment ever since we registered the organization in 2009. It seemed so far, out of reach, beyond our capacity...and now we have to select 24 out of the 80 people that applied.

It's been an amazing experience so far, on a personal as well as team level. 

I am a person that tends to panick. Not in the *AAAAAAAAAAAAA, tears, hair pulling way* but in an internal, silent way.
Panicking by expecting the worst, giving no credit to myself and waiting for the moment when I'll mess up.

So, since I noticed a big change in my behavior and internal state this time, I will try to put up a list of what worked for me:

1. constant hang out time with myself (journaling, How am I....OK, now seriously How am I? Why do I feel this way, what's causing this?)
2. being upset with everyone that has their life figured out (because it made me search, and dig deeper to see why and how and when)
3. freezing to every question that has a deeper meaning: What do I love? Am I happy? (they sank in my heart and they started living there, without realizing I was answering them)
4. one year of people telling you you've become weird (it most probably means you're doing the things you love, really doing the things you really love)
5. cutting pictures from magazines because it helps you get to know yourself better (again, you're probably weird)
6. build a TRUST system-The most important,-the start position-you won't get anywhere until you have it-trust: Trust in myself. (when you trust yourself and you realize you don't know something, you can ask help without feeling bad about yourself or putting yourself down)
7. being carried away by the people who have their lives figured out and are saying that YOU need to figure your life NOW...no YESTERDAY!It's been 2 days and you still haven't....come oooon?!  Instant "fix yourself", "learn everything you need to know in 5 min", "discover your inner passion in 1 week" stuff....eeerrrrmm well that's scary and you'll probably end up feeling like a failure (yes, personal experience speaking).
   Find your own way, give yourself the time YOU need. The big questions, they need answering every day not only one week.
8. say No! I know you know this, I knew it as well. But really say no. I made a list of all the things that I do for all sorts of reasons but not because I really want to and I wanted to see how that list can get shorter and shorter. If you're not being true to yourself you're not being true to anyone.
   If you're drinking coffee with someone and thinking about that book you left at home....you get the point.
9. voicing your fears - to yourself, to a friend, to your notebook, to your painting, your piece of music, to that tree.
   Follow your intuition about this and trust it. Do what you feel you need to do.
   There are people who will say anything to make you feel good (and that's great) but do you really need that? Coach yourself, guide yourself like you would guide your best friend.
10. listening to yourself- this summer I got a very, no VERY strong proof that the things that come from inside, especially if I don't like what they're saying and how they sound (especially then!), they're true.
11. don't chase the things that are clearly running away from you   chase the things that are running away from  you but once you realize what you're doing, stop.

TO BE CONTINUED....

How does this have anything to do with running projects and organizations? Boy oh boy, it does.

    

Life is one big project, everything else is on the "Activity" list.


p.s what would your list look like?

Balance- which is probably why you need both feet

I've been having a difficult time again. It feels like it's a periodic thing, sometimes the periods are days sometimes they're hours. One period is: I trust this is happening for my own good, I am content deep inside, I am grateful for the experience, and at those moments physically I feel light, my body feels limitless. The other period is: the sadness is back and I can't take it anymore, I'm not enough so I need to do a),b) or c), I don't want the experience I want to be happy, I want to be with him-physically I feel small and crushed and I lose energy really fast. 

Last time I was writing about falling apart. In the meantime I read a book where a Guru is telling to her devotee "Don't fall apart too often, so that you don't let it become a habit". Also, I know we need to accept ourselves for where we're at at the moment and not fight our thoughts but then again our thoughts become actions so we better watch out what we're thinking.  

Now, I passionately love philosophy and Yoga, understanding myself and how things and people function....but this is just too confusing at times, I feel like I don't understand anything.

This week- my holiday week I came to (for me) a rather scary and shocking realization. 80% of the time I think about the failed relationship, what happened, how, why, is there anything I could have done, anything I can still do! Seriously?! Come on. I'm actually starting to feel bored by myself and my thoughts. And they're linked with emotions, so they result with melancholy, fear and eventually emptiness and sadness.

When these thoughts kick in I need to consciously remind myself that I was there, by his side - following his step; in front of him- like a cartoon character, juggling, swallowing balls of fire, walking on the string, waving with big flags writing "I love you", "I'm here" in the air; behind him- giving him his own space.....and somehow that was not enough and he didn't want me in any of those places. I feel like I've been using a body lotion that isn't good for my skin, so my skin started to pill off and change its color...But I just love the smell of it so I keep using it, convincing myself that in time my skin might get used to it.

Today I feel like I don't know what or where the balance is. I guess right now, the balance would be to keep on giving that dose of reality when those thoughts kick in.

Falling apart while standing on both feet!

If I heard what happened to me in the last few weeks, as a story told by someone else...well, I am trying to visualize my reaction. The very first reaction would go in the lines of "You've got to be kidding me, that sounds like a practical joke".

Through everything that was happening  (and a lot was happening) I kept asking myself the question: "If this was happening to a friend that you love, what would you tell them? What would your advice be?"

This question gave a refreshing perspective of my decisions, especially because what was lying underneath them, wrapped around them, stuck in the very core of them was love, feeling in love and all sorts of other romantic emotions.

I find it so challenging to be wise and rational when it comes to emotions. Which is why my Mum, when she sent me on what turned out to be the biggest and shortest (at the same time) adventure of my life, said "Do what you feel is right, but remember that if things don't work out as you hope and expect you have to stand firmly on both feet again". And I took that seriously. 

Ever since I got back from this adventure, heart broken, sad sad sad, empty, scared, wrapped in questions..I've been trying to stand firmly on both feet. Until one night I fainted in the toilet! and realized that I may be standing on both feet, but my feet are standing on my heart.

I was talking to a dear friend of mine and I told her that I'm falling apart, that I'm upset with myself for not coping well, that I'm upset that I fainted...the list of reasons I was upset with myself went on and on. And she asked me "What's wrong with falling apart? You're not falling apart, it's just extreme, extreme pain that you feel will stay forever. If falling apart is what you're feeling then fall apart".

She expressed trust in me and gave me permission to fall apart! She reminded me of my own question: "What would you tell me if I told you that I'm falling apart? You won't say, how can you, NO, don't, that's not good so stand up..." No, I wouldn't. I would give you permission to fall apart.

The moment I acknowledged that and the moment I gave myself permission to fall apart, I felt like really standing on both feet, in the only possible way I understand standing on both feet- I was being me and I was OK. I was authentic through all the tears, and why's and how's...and at the end of all of that I was smiling with teary eyes.

Simple wisdom

He could have...

If he could have he would have.

A very simple update + a special guest!

I would like to welcome the special guest star of this post: Helicobacter Pylori. 

It's been writing all the previous posts with me but I wasn't aware of that. Now, we're officially together.....on paper that is.

And all because of an incomplete diagnose in 2009,  I am now drinking the well known triple therapy: 2 antibiotics + another medicine I've been struggling to remember (I don't think I will..ever). 

There are two reasons I am writing today and I'm writing precisely this.

Reason number one: I have a very important "life little lesson" that I want to remember: Good health is priceless! And when I have it I would kindly ask myself to remember how I feel now and realize the importance of being grateful for it.

Second lesson: Good health care....costs but it's priceless as well!

Reason number two: I want to publicly express my admiration to all the people that have overcome or are coping with diseases of any kind. I am fighting with myself and "I can't take this" for 3 days now, and it's only 2 antibiotics. It made me think a lot about the fight that people with difficult diseases have inside...every day! The incredible courage it takes to stay positive, make yourself stay positive.

It made me remember my disabled friend that wanted to experience every bit of life, that had so much life, ideas and passion inside. But she wanted to walk through life. She started to go deeper and deeper into "I don't want this anymore" and had said many times that if she doesn't get better by her 30th birthday she wants to die. She died the day before her 30th Birthday 4 years ago. It's really sad, and many people find comfort in not talking about things like this, but I've come to realize that the power of our will and determination is fascinating and inspiring.

Staying positive requires discipline, a special kind of discipline. Connecting with your deep values and intent in times when you feel you have no control over your thoughts and emotions, requires the same discipline. Because the biggest challenge in those moments is remembering that you DO have control.

Yesterday, I couldn't get out of bed and couldn't stop crying (to be fair, crying was due to first day of my period) and today I feel....quite similar, without the crying-so far. And that's why I wanted to write this today!

We all know I know, and have a lot of reminders (quotes,blogs,books) that small things make life. But it's only when we I lose one small thing that we I feel it and realize it on experiential level.

A beautiful girl said yesterday:  "Learning means nothing unless things change"...thank you Lydia I can't agree more.