Falling apart while standing on both feet!

If I heard what happened to me in the last few weeks, as a story told by someone else...well, I am trying to visualize my reaction. The very first reaction would go in the lines of "You've got to be kidding me, that sounds like a practical joke".

Through everything that was happening  (and a lot was happening) I kept asking myself the question: "If this was happening to a friend that you love, what would you tell them? What would your advice be?"

This question gave a refreshing perspective of my decisions, especially because what was lying underneath them, wrapped around them, stuck in the very core of them was love, feeling in love and all sorts of other romantic emotions.

I find it so challenging to be wise and rational when it comes to emotions. Which is why my Mum, when she sent me on what turned out to be the biggest and shortest (at the same time) adventure of my life, said "Do what you feel is right, but remember that if things don't work out as you hope and expect you have to stand firmly on both feet again". And I took that seriously. 

Ever since I got back from this adventure, heart broken, sad sad sad, empty, scared, wrapped in questions..I've been trying to stand firmly on both feet. Until one night I fainted in the toilet! and realized that I may be standing on both feet, but my feet are standing on my heart.

I was talking to a dear friend of mine and I told her that I'm falling apart, that I'm upset with myself for not coping well, that I'm upset that I fainted...the list of reasons I was upset with myself went on and on. And she asked me "What's wrong with falling apart? You're not falling apart, it's just extreme, extreme pain that you feel will stay forever. If falling apart is what you're feeling then fall apart".

She expressed trust in me and gave me permission to fall apart! She reminded me of my own question: "What would you tell me if I told you that I'm falling apart? You won't say, how can you, NO, don't, that's not good so stand up..." No, I wouldn't. I would give you permission to fall apart.

The moment I acknowledged that and the moment I gave myself permission to fall apart, I felt like really standing on both feet, in the only possible way I understand standing on both feet- I was being me and I was OK. I was authentic through all the tears, and why's and how's...and at the end of all of that I was smiling with teary eyes.