Project "Life", have you got enough funding?

Couple of months ago the NGO that I am running  www.luccaleadership.org/macedonia received a grant from the European Commission in Brussels to organize a week long leadership programme for 24 young people coming from 6 countries.

We've been waiting for this moment ever since we registered the organization in 2009. It seemed so far, out of reach, beyond our capacity...and now we have to select 24 out of the 80 people that applied.

It's been an amazing experience so far, on a personal as well as team level. 

I am a person that tends to panick. Not in the *AAAAAAAAAAAAA, tears, hair pulling way* but in an internal, silent way.
Panicking by expecting the worst, giving no credit to myself and waiting for the moment when I'll mess up.

So, since I noticed a big change in my behavior and internal state this time, I will try to put up a list of what worked for me:

1. constant hang out time with myself (journaling, How am I....OK, now seriously How am I? Why do I feel this way, what's causing this?)
2. being upset with everyone that has their life figured out (because it made me search, and dig deeper to see why and how and when)
3. freezing to every question that has a deeper meaning: What do I love? Am I happy? (they sank in my heart and they started living there, without realizing I was answering them)
4. one year of people telling you you've become weird (it most probably means you're doing the things you love, really doing the things you really love)
5. cutting pictures from magazines because it helps you get to know yourself better (again, you're probably weird)
6. build a TRUST system-The most important,-the start position-you won't get anywhere until you have it-trust: Trust in myself. (when you trust yourself and you realize you don't know something, you can ask help without feeling bad about yourself or putting yourself down)
7. being carried away by the people who have their lives figured out and are saying that YOU need to figure your life NOW...no YESTERDAY!It's been 2 days and you still haven't....come oooon?!  Instant "fix yourself", "learn everything you need to know in 5 min", "discover your inner passion in 1 week" stuff....eeerrrrmm well that's scary and you'll probably end up feeling like a failure (yes, personal experience speaking).
   Find your own way, give yourself the time YOU need. The big questions, they need answering every day not only one week.
8. say No! I know you know this, I knew it as well. But really say no. I made a list of all the things that I do for all sorts of reasons but not because I really want to and I wanted to see how that list can get shorter and shorter. If you're not being true to yourself you're not being true to anyone.
   If you're drinking coffee with someone and thinking about that book you left at home....you get the point.
9. voicing your fears - to yourself, to a friend, to your notebook, to your painting, your piece of music, to that tree.
   Follow your intuition about this and trust it. Do what you feel you need to do.
   There are people who will say anything to make you feel good (and that's great) but do you really need that? Coach yourself, guide yourself like you would guide your best friend.
10. listening to yourself- this summer I got a very, no VERY strong proof that the things that come from inside, especially if I don't like what they're saying and how they sound (especially then!), they're true.
11. don't chase the things that are clearly running away from you   chase the things that are running away from  you but once you realize what you're doing, stop.

TO BE CONTINUED....

How does this have anything to do with running projects and organizations? Boy oh boy, it does.

    

Life is one big project, everything else is on the "Activity" list.


p.s what would your list look like?

Balance- which is probably why you need both feet

I've been having a difficult time again. It feels like it's a periodic thing, sometimes the periods are days sometimes they're hours. One period is: I trust this is happening for my own good, I am content deep inside, I am grateful for the experience, and at those moments physically I feel light, my body feels limitless. The other period is: the sadness is back and I can't take it anymore, I'm not enough so I need to do a),b) or c), I don't want the experience I want to be happy, I want to be with him-physically I feel small and crushed and I lose energy really fast. 

Last time I was writing about falling apart. In the meantime I read a book where a Guru is telling to her devotee "Don't fall apart too often, so that you don't let it become a habit". Also, I know we need to accept ourselves for where we're at at the moment and not fight our thoughts but then again our thoughts become actions so we better watch out what we're thinking.  

Now, I passionately love philosophy and Yoga, understanding myself and how things and people function....but this is just too confusing at times, I feel like I don't understand anything.

This week- my holiday week I came to (for me) a rather scary and shocking realization. 80% of the time I think about the failed relationship, what happened, how, why, is there anything I could have done, anything I can still do! Seriously?! Come on. I'm actually starting to feel bored by myself and my thoughts. And they're linked with emotions, so they result with melancholy, fear and eventually emptiness and sadness.

When these thoughts kick in I need to consciously remind myself that I was there, by his side - following his step; in front of him- like a cartoon character, juggling, swallowing balls of fire, walking on the string, waving with big flags writing "I love you", "I'm here" in the air; behind him- giving him his own space.....and somehow that was not enough and he didn't want me in any of those places. I feel like I've been using a body lotion that isn't good for my skin, so my skin started to pill off and change its color...But I just love the smell of it so I keep using it, convincing myself that in time my skin might get used to it.

Today I feel like I don't know what or where the balance is. I guess right now, the balance would be to keep on giving that dose of reality when those thoughts kick in.

Falling apart while standing on both feet!

If I heard what happened to me in the last few weeks, as a story told by someone else...well, I am trying to visualize my reaction. The very first reaction would go in the lines of "You've got to be kidding me, that sounds like a practical joke".

Through everything that was happening  (and a lot was happening) I kept asking myself the question: "If this was happening to a friend that you love, what would you tell them? What would your advice be?"

This question gave a refreshing perspective of my decisions, especially because what was lying underneath them, wrapped around them, stuck in the very core of them was love, feeling in love and all sorts of other romantic emotions.

I find it so challenging to be wise and rational when it comes to emotions. Which is why my Mum, when she sent me on what turned out to be the biggest and shortest (at the same time) adventure of my life, said "Do what you feel is right, but remember that if things don't work out as you hope and expect you have to stand firmly on both feet again". And I took that seriously. 

Ever since I got back from this adventure, heart broken, sad sad sad, empty, scared, wrapped in questions..I've been trying to stand firmly on both feet. Until one night I fainted in the toilet! and realized that I may be standing on both feet, but my feet are standing on my heart.

I was talking to a dear friend of mine and I told her that I'm falling apart, that I'm upset with myself for not coping well, that I'm upset that I fainted...the list of reasons I was upset with myself went on and on. And she asked me "What's wrong with falling apart? You're not falling apart, it's just extreme, extreme pain that you feel will stay forever. If falling apart is what you're feeling then fall apart".

She expressed trust in me and gave me permission to fall apart! She reminded me of my own question: "What would you tell me if I told you that I'm falling apart? You won't say, how can you, NO, don't, that's not good so stand up..." No, I wouldn't. I would give you permission to fall apart.

The moment I acknowledged that and the moment I gave myself permission to fall apart, I felt like really standing on both feet, in the only possible way I understand standing on both feet- I was being me and I was OK. I was authentic through all the tears, and why's and how's...and at the end of all of that I was smiling with teary eyes.

Simple wisdom

He could have...

If he could have he would have.

A very simple update + a special guest!

I would like to welcome the special guest star of this post: Helicobacter Pylori. 

It's been writing all the previous posts with me but I wasn't aware of that. Now, we're officially together.....on paper that is.

And all because of an incomplete diagnose in 2009,  I am now drinking the well known triple therapy: 2 antibiotics + another medicine I've been struggling to remember (I don't think I will..ever). 

There are two reasons I am writing today and I'm writing precisely this.

Reason number one: I have a very important "life little lesson" that I want to remember: Good health is priceless! And when I have it I would kindly ask myself to remember how I feel now and realize the importance of being grateful for it.

Second lesson: Good health care....costs but it's priceless as well!

Reason number two: I want to publicly express my admiration to all the people that have overcome or are coping with diseases of any kind. I am fighting with myself and "I can't take this" for 3 days now, and it's only 2 antibiotics. It made me think a lot about the fight that people with difficult diseases have inside...every day! The incredible courage it takes to stay positive, make yourself stay positive.

It made me remember my disabled friend that wanted to experience every bit of life, that had so much life, ideas and passion inside. But she wanted to walk through life. She started to go deeper and deeper into "I don't want this anymore" and had said many times that if she doesn't get better by her 30th birthday she wants to die. She died the day before her 30th Birthday 4 years ago. It's really sad, and many people find comfort in not talking about things like this, but I've come to realize that the power of our will and determination is fascinating and inspiring.

Staying positive requires discipline, a special kind of discipline. Connecting with your deep values and intent in times when you feel you have no control over your thoughts and emotions, requires the same discipline. Because the biggest challenge in those moments is remembering that you DO have control.

Yesterday, I couldn't get out of bed and couldn't stop crying (to be fair, crying was due to first day of my period) and today I feel....quite similar, without the crying-so far. And that's why I wanted to write this today!

We all know I know, and have a lot of reminders (quotes,blogs,books) that small things make life. But it's only when we I lose one small thing that we I feel it and realize it on experiential level.

A beautiful girl said yesterday:  "Learning means nothing unless things change"...thank you Lydia I can't agree more.

Spontaneous plan

Again, my own words in my face! Talking to a 9 year old, I heard my own words and it felt like some one else was speaking and I really heard them. Instantly I felt like I have no right to tell her and  at the same time felt I have every right to tell her those things. The very well known conflict of "Do as I say not as I do".

The story is this. The girl I'm talking about is very musical, very gifted and sparkling bright but not a disciplined worker. She had a concert on Thursday and made a proper mess in one of the pieces. We were talking today about possible reasons why it happened and she said she has no idea what happened, all she knows is that she was really scared and her heart was bitting like crazy. I left it there because I wanted to give her space to find the answer for herself.

We started the lesson and every third note was a wrong one until she finally banged with both hands on the piano saying "What's happening ?? Why is this happening when I practiced yesterday". We spent time reflecting and it turned out that she practiced only yesterday since the concert. So, the teacher me then started to talk about discipline and organizing/planning, the importance of consistency and staying in good mental condition. I gave the "every day, every piano lesson, every minute you spend at the piano and every minute you spend thinking about your pieces is a preparation for the public performance or the exam. The more quality minutes you spend the better your performance will be" SLAP!!!! There it was. It's not even a quote, it's my words.

It's been almost a month since I posted something on my blog. And this is what's been going on.There was a voice inside me that was saying "you need to be consistent and make yourself be disciplined to write" and another voice that was saying "you'll write when you have something to offer". Looking deeper into that I realized that it's actually a question of "what is worthy of saying" and the fact that I felt like I had nothing worthy of saying for almost a month. 

Going deeper and deeper I realized that I feel like the space around me is closing and it gets difficult to breathe (metaphorically of course)- be at ease, feel inspired, stay fascinated...and I had a very strong feeling that I want time off. 

But time off what? Time off voices, stories, sounds, obligations, responsibilities...I want time to listen. Listen to the things inside worthy of saying. The things worthy of knowing, even if they're just relevant to me and no one else. Next question was how much time off do I need? As I was about to say it would be so nice to meditate and write every day, I realized that I probably can if I organize myself in that way.SLAP!! again. We're back there.

And then there was the restless kid inside me moaning about spontaneity and freedom. The kid felt very confident because it was supported by the story of my Yoga instructor about the Native Americans tribe. A Yoga Master went to work with them on a research and every day it seemed they're doing everything but the thing that he came for. They kept saying "the time will come, we don't feel like it now"...they were doing exactly what they felt like at the moment. I started thinking how I can put a bit of that in my "I have to do this now" life. How can one plan and be spontaneous?

 In the spirit of the Native Americans, there are two wolfs fighting inside me, one that feels like planning and organizing and the other that is on a "plan free" holiday!

Happiness & love disclaimer

"I love you and all that matters to me is that you're happy"

What we don't know about this is that:

* I want you to stay close to me

* Don't fall in love with some one I don't approve or like

* Don't take risky moves in life

* Don't quit your safe job

* Don't fall in love with someone else 

* Don't do that because it's a potential mistake

* Don't go there, it's not safe

* Don't get married now, you're too young

* Don't go out with your friends that often

* Don't always tell me the truth, only when it's nice

* ________________________________

* ________________________________

* ________________________________

Feel like you could go on filling in this list?

I'm sure you can. 

The selection of "don'ts" is variable, depending if it's a boyfriend/girlfriend's, mum's or friend's disclaimer.

Those are the things we don't say and we're not told about. 

It's a beautiful thought- all that matters to us is that the one's we love are happy. But can we live up to that? Because sometimes it means accepting things that won't necessarily make us happy, especially if we know (we feel we know, actually we assume and think we know) we're right.

Next time you say all you want is for someone to be happy please make sure you show them the disclaimer so that there are no misunderstandings later on. Ooh, and don't forget to also ask for the disclaimer when you hear that!