When b2 and g3 get stuck

“Music takes us out of the actual and whispers to us dim secrets that startle our wonder as to who we are, and for what, whence, and whereto.”

* Ralph Waldo Emerson  Thank you Mr.Emerson for the perfecting opening. I feel that playing this blog post would be probably more true, but I am also challenged to put the thoughts in words as well. I had a very interesting Yoga class on Tuesday.  One ridiculous, stupid and a bit unfortunate event on Tuesday morning got me really upset, sad and angry and I carried those three companions everywhere with me throughout the day.  When later that evening my Yoga instructor asked us: "Are you well?" I answered "No". I didn't plan to answer, or thought about talking...that NO just came out of my mouth on it's own. In that very moment I realized that I really needed to talk. He asked me why and I re-told them the story of my morning.  He then very wisely led me through a series of questions, just to reveal the answer I knew already.  He finally asked: "How could you change that feeling" and I answered "We need to find a way to let go of things", and he asked "We or you"? That got me thinking about "I" speech and how much we encourage it during the reflection sessions on our leadership trainings. Emphasizing its meaning and gently pointing to people that they we can only talk about their our experiences with certainty.  I decided that March will be (among the rest) a month when I will look after using "I" speech.  And for me, "I"speech goes deeper than just speaking. It's "I" living, "I" serving, "I" helping... So, what was it that got me upset that day? Injustice and inequality.  The lesson: I value justice and equality, they are among my most firm values, they're a strong foundation of my intent in everything I do.  I had said on twitter the same day, that a blog post "I am not my wallet" will be coming soon, but I didn't write it because  lots of details needed explaining for the whole story to make sense.  But the summary is very simple: Good doctors should not forget to be good human beings. A patient is a patient, regardless of the doctor being a friend with the patient or not, regardless how much money the patient has or doesn't have...And the same goes for professionals in all fields of work. I wanted to tell the doctor about what I like to call "Circle of our actions".  The way he runs his practice, divides his patients to: more important and less important based on their finances.  I am a piano teacher. Artists plus/or teachers struggle with making money (especially in state institutions) around the Globe. Not being well paid can easily become an excuse for not doing your job properly.  What would happen if I divide my students in the same categories? And how will the doctor feel if his child happens to be in the less important category?! The Yoga class helped a lot. I did let go of the sadness and angriness and I realized that they come from a place of love and deep passion about change towards the good for all. The next day I was practicing the piano in my room at work, late at night after working hours.  Two keys (b2 and g3 to be more specific:) keep getting stuck whenever they're used. It's so funny how it annoys the kids when they first discover it.  The physical and emotional reaction of kids to annoying things always fascinates and amuses me, pulling hair, banging on the keys and crying being just a few.  They don't suppress feelings and that's beautiful!  And then they get used and enter the habit mode.  As I was practicing I realized that I have developed a special technique, different for different pieces depending on the requirement.  Basically it involves one hand being used to unstuck the key after it's been used and stuck. Ha ha, this is still funny, it's sort of an insiders joke, but I hope you'll grasp the silliness of the situation. It was really interesting to laugh out loud in an empty school late at night but it actually made me think:  How many stuck keys do I have in life, and how many mechanic reactions I have created to unstuck them?  And to how many stuck keys I am used to the point of not having any reaction to them anymore? I started to unstuck some of them, that were instantly noticed.  Today I spent a good few hours working on my journal and answering the questions I've been avoiding, because of (what proves now to be) irrational fear of not having any answers or having far too many.  My piano at home doesn't have any stuck keys, so my "circus" skills are not used but I still giggle when I come to b2 and g3. To finish of as I started:  “Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent” *Victor Hugo

Mental Note: *DO IT*

This is a mental note to myself and I hope it will be useful for anyone that comes across it.

Randy Pausch www.cmu.edu/randyslecture/ was a very very cool guy. I love his lectures on time management. The reason I love them is because they're well constructed,precise,he gives practical advices for every day use....all that spiced up with very good humor and personal anecdotes. 

Randy actually shows photos of his working desk when he talks about how he organizes himself and his working space.

Why is this important?

Because I can see that he actually DOES all the cool stuff that he talks about.

I hear the lecture, I then hear another lecture, I then read some inspiring life story and the reaction usually goes: "sigh, wow, fantastic, all these incredible examples,fascinating!"

The same night the light bulb goes on, an awesome idea that I want to write about comes to mind. 

I have it all, the idea, the examples and I have a good feeling about it. 

And then I fall asleep. 

Yup, roll to the left and Wonderland here I come!

Do I have the idea this morning? No...no, I don't.

And although the reaction: "Maybe it was not that good in the first place" is comforting, I know it misses the whole point. 

You think post it reminders are good- put on post it reminders, you think 30min. of meditation will set the tone for your day-meditate for 30min, energetic music and dancing around wakes you up and makes you feel good- dance...that's my example,I  actually did that this morning :)

We are very often caught up in thinking about cool things...and that's the difference. 

People we find successful and inspiring DO those stuff, they don't just think about them.

Nope, my idea is not back..yet..in case you were wondering

*Don't think pink elephants, don't think pink elephants*

Change change change

Unlike yesterday when I felt so alive, connected with everything and everyone, when it seemed that the whole Universe has joined me in joy and happiness-today I felt like a deflated balloon.

And the funny thing is ("not funny ha-ha but funny"- this is from a movie, hmmm don't remember which) I saw it coming. I knew that that's the natural cycle.
Up and down and up and down.

I even thought to myself yesterday, remember this happiness and enjoy it fully but also remember that after the rain comes the Sun....and then the rain again.

For personal reasons that I don't want to get in to, the Universe was silent, cranky and numb today. Of course only because that was what my heart was feeling and what my eyes were seeing. The Sun was actually shining bright outside.

Trying to read, do work, practice the piano....futile! Iron Man was inside me saying "Nope, don't feel like it and you can't move me"

But I did. I just went out.

I called a friend and asked her if she wants to wander around town with me and she did. On my way out I took the camera with me...for no reason. I went to a cafe that I wanted to go to in ages, because I love the white embroidered lace curtains (please bare in mind just in case you think "Weird" that I'm an artists and I do tend to like silly little things).
To my surprise...they have amazing sandwiches and coffee as well. It's in the center of the city, 5 min from the main square, next to 15 other restaurants and cafes but it's not popular for some reason. So, it's not crowded. That's the second reason why I love it.

We had a very nice lunch there, took nice silly photos of the curtains and left in search of chocolate cookies. We ended up eating ice-cream...still talking silly photos.

I talked a bit about the reasons of my emotional "deflation" over lunch...but I couldn't find a trace of a negative or sad emotion anymore.

Without noticing it, I actually did what Lisa Sonora www.lisasonorabeam.com suggests in the first steps about unconventional and creative living: be a tourist in your home town! I was planning to do that for some time now, and today it happened. My friend even bought a post-card :)

What I also didn't notice is that what happened was exactly what Chris www.chrisguillebeau.com is talking about when he says that change happens when the pain of remaining in the situation becomes greater than the pain of making a change.


Change, change, change if that's what you feel is needed. And you don't need to have a plan. You'll figure it out as you're going (you might end up going to your new favorite cafe:). It doesn't have to be a life changing, figured out change.

Sometimes all you need is to feel inflated and ready to fly again... :)

Moving to page 33

Weird few days since I started the blog.

I faced the two very big challenges straight away: PMS & continuity and discipline. 

PMS was easier, took 2 strong medicine and  at least didn't care about the all sorts of pains any more.

Continuity and discipline...I didn't lack time, I didn't forget to do it, I just felt I had too many things to say and wasn't sure what's really important and worthed. To be honest, I was scared about so many things that I probably spent most of the time resolving the scary *imaginary* scenarios in my head. Yes, it's fun in my head.

The first day I felt like talking about teaching and my discoveries about the importance of inspiring and motivating in the process of teaching. 

The second day I felt like talking about the challenges of being Macedonian....and my thoughts went: "Hold on, how does this have anything to do with the book, Chris and what I said I'll write about on the blog?"......

Ta raaaam- this is how conversations in my head are created. 

What followed was: "Wait, wait, wait how did this turn about the book, or about Chris? I said I'll be writing about getting to know me. "......and there it was. It slapped me in the face. 

While going through this process of discovering  "what I want to do", "why", "what do I want to get out of life" a part of me was silently hoping that  someone else needs to save me! Chris will...offer me a job, ask me to be a Macedonian correspondent (I created a list of possibilities:)...and that's how I will be saved! So, there I am, the one that talks about "Personal Mastery" and the importance to finding your own recipe for happiness and fulfillment waiting and wanting to be saved! 

When I discovered a whole new approach and technique in piano playing (called "The Alexander Technique") it scared the hell out of me. I discovered it on a 7 day course in London, came back to Macedonia with no Alexander teacher in the country or the region and almost no one knowing what it's about. 

Sitting at the piano was like facing an instrument I had never played before and practicing was unlearning everything I had tried to learn so hard for 15 years. Or better said, what teachers were trying to teach me for 15 years. It was so different and challenging = scary, that every day I thought about giving it all up and going back to the old convenient way of doing things....but I couldn't! It was there: scary, new, myself alone in all that....but it felt right! 

The course happened in July and I had my first concert after it in October. Few colleagues and professors approached to me and said "I don't know what you've been doing but there is a remarkable change in your performance. Starting from the way you walk on the stage". And I was sure I haven't made any progress!

This winter was my sixth time on the same course. A girl from Portugal was at the "I want to give up this is bloody difficult" phase and my teacher gave probably the best possible lecture. She asked: 

" Did anyone said that it's going to be pleasant? 

Did the application form said it's instant learning through game and laughter? 

Did it say that you won't have to try and try, over and over again? Is that why you came here?" 

We all learned the lesson, some for the first some for the sixth time. Yes, the process of learning the most valuable lessons is often not pleasant. It's a big shift, a change and every change requires time for adapting. That adapting can take much less time if you accept that you've made a choice and you're sticking with it.

I can blame the schools in the region for not having an Alexander teacher and waiting for one to save me, but I know well enough that he might never appear. So, I chose to push through the fear and challenges for six years now. 

And I know, I know soooo well that piano playing is no different than every day life. It cannot be separated actually. So, I choose once again to push through the fear. 

I acknowledge the weakness of waiting to be saved and I accept it. I can now move on. It will probably happen many many more times but I am aware of it and therefore it's a valuable lesson on its own.

Chris, I am sorry I got you involved with this, it's not just you I have a list of "saviors" :) You are still a true inspiration every day and I can now move on to page number 33, cos I  learned the lesson from the previous 32.

Second post-done! I can now peacefully go and eat waffle and Nuttela ! Little pleasures of life...

The Beginning

Blog created (Phew) !! WoW, let's make the calculations. I spent a year thinking about writing a blog, I spent two days forming the idea about this blog, I spent 3hrs in total: reading important stuff about blogging, how to create a blog and then creating one. I clicked a lot of possible features I don't understand so this will be a reverse process. I will have my professional blogging tutorial (by a computer genius) after the first post :) 

It's all about the content anyway, isn't it?..hmm.

Let me introduce why and how after a year I decided to start this now. 

Because of "A book". 

The book is "The Art of Non-Conformity" by Chris Guillebeau (for the first time I typed the second name and not "copy-paste" it :) www.chrisguillebeau.com. Chris is one of my favorite people the last few months..although that's not technically true cos I don't know him personally. 

So, Chris's writing is my favorite reading. After detailed reading through his blog, I realized I really really want his book. 

A friend brought it to me from Frankfurt (3 words: Macedonia, shipping, living standard-bad). That's 4 words. I'm a musician so numbers are not my thing.

"A mind". That would be my mind. Hi mind :) I've been doing a lot of exploring lately, personal exploring that is, just to find out all the games that our mind is playing with us and having soooo much fun. 

But they're not fun. 

They're limiting, they create fear based thinking and if I don't do something about changing the rules of the game it could last forever. 

Through exploring my mind, the games, the tricks, the possibilities I am hoping to get to know me. 

"A process". Aaahhh the process.

 Einstein said:  "Learning is experience, everything else is information". I can't agree more. Just going back to when my mum was telling me that it's probably not the best idea to have 10 best friends and tell them everything...well it took a lot of tears and all the class knowing which guy is my crush to learn the lesson. And that's when I was 9. Now, the lessons are different.

Summary: I will write about the process of getting to know me with the help of "The Art of Non-Conformity" book by Chris Guillebeau.

I love creativity, which is why the second book I got is "The Creative Entrepreneur" by Lisa Sonora Beam, www.lisasonorabeam.com. I warmly recommend her techniques for anyone that likes coloring, drawing, cards, stamps for a higher purpose like self-discovery through fun. 

I am in the process of creating a 2011 Strategic Planner (I know I missed the dead-line, that story is saved for another time), so I will write about that experience as well because it's part of the process and it really helps.

My challenges for this process will be:

• overcome the fear to press the "publish post" button
• K.I.S.S ! I'm not good with short, Seth Godin is. This is a challenge on more levels (my boyfriend lives in Tanzania)
• Continuity and discipline. Especially in PMS when all I want to do is stay in bed or punch someone

Respecting the K.I.S.S challenge I am now finishing my first post...

This is really exciting, I can't wait to see what comes out...

Finishing..

Now!