Moving to page 33

Weird few days since I started the blog.

I faced the two very big challenges straight away: PMS & continuity and discipline. 

PMS was easier, took 2 strong medicine and  at least didn't care about the all sorts of pains any more.

Continuity and discipline...I didn't lack time, I didn't forget to do it, I just felt I had too many things to say and wasn't sure what's really important and worthed. To be honest, I was scared about so many things that I probably spent most of the time resolving the scary *imaginary* scenarios in my head. Yes, it's fun in my head.

The first day I felt like talking about teaching and my discoveries about the importance of inspiring and motivating in the process of teaching. 

The second day I felt like talking about the challenges of being Macedonian....and my thoughts went: "Hold on, how does this have anything to do with the book, Chris and what I said I'll write about on the blog?"......

Ta raaaam- this is how conversations in my head are created. 

What followed was: "Wait, wait, wait how did this turn about the book, or about Chris? I said I'll be writing about getting to know me. "......and there it was. It slapped me in the face. 

While going through this process of discovering  "what I want to do", "why", "what do I want to get out of life" a part of me was silently hoping that  someone else needs to save me! Chris will...offer me a job, ask me to be a Macedonian correspondent (I created a list of possibilities:)...and that's how I will be saved! So, there I am, the one that talks about "Personal Mastery" and the importance to finding your own recipe for happiness and fulfillment waiting and wanting to be saved! 

When I discovered a whole new approach and technique in piano playing (called "The Alexander Technique") it scared the hell out of me. I discovered it on a 7 day course in London, came back to Macedonia with no Alexander teacher in the country or the region and almost no one knowing what it's about. 

Sitting at the piano was like facing an instrument I had never played before and practicing was unlearning everything I had tried to learn so hard for 15 years. Or better said, what teachers were trying to teach me for 15 years. It was so different and challenging = scary, that every day I thought about giving it all up and going back to the old convenient way of doing things....but I couldn't! It was there: scary, new, myself alone in all that....but it felt right! 

The course happened in July and I had my first concert after it in October. Few colleagues and professors approached to me and said "I don't know what you've been doing but there is a remarkable change in your performance. Starting from the way you walk on the stage". And I was sure I haven't made any progress!

This winter was my sixth time on the same course. A girl from Portugal was at the "I want to give up this is bloody difficult" phase and my teacher gave probably the best possible lecture. She asked: 

" Did anyone said that it's going to be pleasant? 

Did the application form said it's instant learning through game and laughter? 

Did it say that you won't have to try and try, over and over again? Is that why you came here?" 

We all learned the lesson, some for the first some for the sixth time. Yes, the process of learning the most valuable lessons is often not pleasant. It's a big shift, a change and every change requires time for adapting. That adapting can take much less time if you accept that you've made a choice and you're sticking with it.

I can blame the schools in the region for not having an Alexander teacher and waiting for one to save me, but I know well enough that he might never appear. So, I chose to push through the fear and challenges for six years now. 

And I know, I know soooo well that piano playing is no different than every day life. It cannot be separated actually. So, I choose once again to push through the fear. 

I acknowledge the weakness of waiting to be saved and I accept it. I can now move on. It will probably happen many many more times but I am aware of it and therefore it's a valuable lesson on its own.

Chris, I am sorry I got you involved with this, it's not just you I have a list of "saviors" :) You are still a true inspiration every day and I can now move on to page number 33, cos I  learned the lesson from the previous 32.

Second post-done! I can now peacefully go and eat waffle and Nuttela ! Little pleasures of life...