WORDS

This weekend I decided to visit my Grand-mum who lives in a little mountain town in Eastern Macedonia. As much as I wanted to see her, I also felt like I need some time on my own. After the intense, overwhelming, emotionally charged few months everything inside me was saying "You need to go away". 

So, I did.

I've always had a feeling that books fall in my hands. I feel that a book I need to read always finds its way to me. And I am almost sure that I've co-written all those books. If I haven't then how does someone get in my mind or climbs to my heart to put it in words..? A wonderful manifestation of our similarities.

This blog started as a result of my fascination with a book. 

I am not going to start a new one, but the book I am reading now definitely deserves it. "The fifth agreement"  by Miguel and Jose Ruiz, a father and a son revealing the simplest, most beautiful truth about my two biggest fascinations: life and human beings.

While I was riding on the bus I was asking myself questions. One of them was: "Why do you need to go away?". A little (not very pleasant) voice was giving a remark "You know you can't run away from yourself, so you'll probably spend the weekend thinking and feeling the same stuff", and as the conversation in my head was developing, somewhere around my heart a silent voice said "I just need to". That was enough for me. I am following what is needed and that's the best I can do.

The place where my Grand-mum lives has the most calming effect over me. One breath of fresh air and I feel like everything inside me is aligned. An aligned mess that is :)

In the silence of the town and of the house all my hidden emotions and thoughts started to make a lot of noise. Fighting for my attention, fighting which one will win and take the control over me. 

Instead of giving into it, I decided to go for a walk. It was the first winter like, really cold weekend and when I got up in the morning it was snowing. The first snow on October 16th and I was there to witness it. 

After putting on too many layers of clothes I went out. 

My first destination is always the same. The Monastery on the top of the hill. Why I love that place is probably a whole blog post by itself so I won't get into it. 

As I was walking there I asked myself more questions. The fact that I was asking myself questions was quite surprising because normally that's not how I communicate with myself. Usually it would be endless thoughts, scenarios followed by strong emotional response. This time it was questions. 

One of them made me stop for a moment because the answer came immediately and it was almost shocking. So, I took both of them-question and answer with me inside the Monastery. 

It was freezing cold inside, complete silence and 3 candles burning. 

I set down on a little bench and had a look around. I know that place by heart, I know every detail of it, I felt incredibly safe. And then I started crying. There was a voice again saying that it's lame that I'm sitting in an empty Monastery and crying (and that made me smile) but it felt like I had no control over the tears. I couldn't locate them, I didn't know where they're coming from and why? And quite surprisingly I decided to sit and cry and not put the tiniest effort into understanding, thinking or feeling. I was sitting on the bench in the freezing Monastery and the tears were rolling down, warming my face. 

When I felt ready I went for a long walk, deeper in the forest. And when I finally couldn't feel the fingers on my hands I decided to go in the near by hotel and have a cup of tea and rum. (Another blog post here about the tea aroma as well).

And this is where it gets interesting. Really interesting!

All of this is something I would have usually done: go to the monastery, go for a walk, spend few hours on my own. The crying was not the only surprising new thing. I felt different. Everything that was happening inside me felt unknown, I was intrigued almost challenged to witness it. When I sat down to have a cup of tea and tried to put it in words this is what came out:

"Tears were running down my face. I didn't know why or where they're coming from. In that moment I could feel my soul, it was open and it was trying to say something. But the soul doesn't say words, the soul doesn't know of words. I decided not to name anything. 

How could I, when I didn't know the words?! They probably don't exist. I decided to just sit with it and let it be, let it speak to me in a language that is new to me, and it feels so old like I've known it forever. And even if it doesn't happen again or if I never understand what it is or what it means, I'll know that I have set with it. I have felt what Beethoven was saying through notes and Monet through colors: Life! 

When you lose the words to describe the moment, that's when you discover something new, something that goes beyond words. It's a different level of understanding that is coming out from the core, the place where words and common thought have no access."

In the evening I continued with "The Fifth Element" and I had goose bumps all over me when I started reading where I had stopped before: 

"If you understand the fifth agreement you will see the reason why you don't need to believe what you can see, what you already know without words. The truth doesn't come with words.  The truth is silent. it's something that you just know, it's something that you can feel without words, and it's called silent knowledge. Silent knowledge is what you know before you invest your faith in symbols. When you open yourself to the truth , and learn to listen, then all the symbols lose their value, and the only thing that remains is the truth. There's nothing to know there's nothing to justify."

It's a whole chapter about words and truth but this is the summary that made me feel like this book has a secret access to my heart and like it knows what's happening inside it and puts it on the page just before I start reading. 

It was a beautiful weekend that made me feel even more fascinated by life's little pleasures and miracles. Isn't it amazing?

Project "Life", have you got enough funding?

Couple of months ago the NGO that I am running  www.luccaleadership.org/macedonia received a grant from the European Commission in Brussels to organize a week long leadership programme for 24 young people coming from 6 countries.

We've been waiting for this moment ever since we registered the organization in 2009. It seemed so far, out of reach, beyond our capacity...and now we have to select 24 out of the 80 people that applied.

It's been an amazing experience so far, on a personal as well as team level. 

I am a person that tends to panick. Not in the *AAAAAAAAAAAAA, tears, hair pulling way* but in an internal, silent way.
Panicking by expecting the worst, giving no credit to myself and waiting for the moment when I'll mess up.

So, since I noticed a big change in my behavior and internal state this time, I will try to put up a list of what worked for me:

1. constant hang out time with myself (journaling, How am I....OK, now seriously How am I? Why do I feel this way, what's causing this?)
2. being upset with everyone that has their life figured out (because it made me search, and dig deeper to see why and how and when)
3. freezing to every question that has a deeper meaning: What do I love? Am I happy? (they sank in my heart and they started living there, without realizing I was answering them)
4. one year of people telling you you've become weird (it most probably means you're doing the things you love, really doing the things you really love)
5. cutting pictures from magazines because it helps you get to know yourself better (again, you're probably weird)
6. build a TRUST system-The most important,-the start position-you won't get anywhere until you have it-trust: Trust in myself. (when you trust yourself and you realize you don't know something, you can ask help without feeling bad about yourself or putting yourself down)
7. being carried away by the people who have their lives figured out and are saying that YOU need to figure your life NOW...no YESTERDAY!It's been 2 days and you still haven't....come oooon?!  Instant "fix yourself", "learn everything you need to know in 5 min", "discover your inner passion in 1 week" stuff....eeerrrrmm well that's scary and you'll probably end up feeling like a failure (yes, personal experience speaking).
   Find your own way, give yourself the time YOU need. The big questions, they need answering every day not only one week.
8. say No! I know you know this, I knew it as well. But really say no. I made a list of all the things that I do for all sorts of reasons but not because I really want to and I wanted to see how that list can get shorter and shorter. If you're not being true to yourself you're not being true to anyone.
   If you're drinking coffee with someone and thinking about that book you left at home....you get the point.
9. voicing your fears - to yourself, to a friend, to your notebook, to your painting, your piece of music, to that tree.
   Follow your intuition about this and trust it. Do what you feel you need to do.
   There are people who will say anything to make you feel good (and that's great) but do you really need that? Coach yourself, guide yourself like you would guide your best friend.
10. listening to yourself- this summer I got a very, no VERY strong proof that the things that come from inside, especially if I don't like what they're saying and how they sound (especially then!), they're true.
11. don't chase the things that are clearly running away from you   chase the things that are running away from  you but once you realize what you're doing, stop.

TO BE CONTINUED....

How does this have anything to do with running projects and organizations? Boy oh boy, it does.

    

Life is one big project, everything else is on the "Activity" list.


p.s what would your list look like?

Balance- which is probably why you need both feet

I've been having a difficult time again. It feels like it's a periodic thing, sometimes the periods are days sometimes they're hours. One period is: I trust this is happening for my own good, I am content deep inside, I am grateful for the experience, and at those moments physically I feel light, my body feels limitless. The other period is: the sadness is back and I can't take it anymore, I'm not enough so I need to do a),b) or c), I don't want the experience I want to be happy, I want to be with him-physically I feel small and crushed and I lose energy really fast. 

Last time I was writing about falling apart. In the meantime I read a book where a Guru is telling to her devotee "Don't fall apart too often, so that you don't let it become a habit". Also, I know we need to accept ourselves for where we're at at the moment and not fight our thoughts but then again our thoughts become actions so we better watch out what we're thinking.  

Now, I passionately love philosophy and Yoga, understanding myself and how things and people function....but this is just too confusing at times, I feel like I don't understand anything.

This week- my holiday week I came to (for me) a rather scary and shocking realization. 80% of the time I think about the failed relationship, what happened, how, why, is there anything I could have done, anything I can still do! Seriously?! Come on. I'm actually starting to feel bored by myself and my thoughts. And they're linked with emotions, so they result with melancholy, fear and eventually emptiness and sadness.

When these thoughts kick in I need to consciously remind myself that I was there, by his side - following his step; in front of him- like a cartoon character, juggling, swallowing balls of fire, walking on the string, waving with big flags writing "I love you", "I'm here" in the air; behind him- giving him his own space.....and somehow that was not enough and he didn't want me in any of those places. I feel like I've been using a body lotion that isn't good for my skin, so my skin started to pill off and change its color...But I just love the smell of it so I keep using it, convincing myself that in time my skin might get used to it.

Today I feel like I don't know what or where the balance is. I guess right now, the balance would be to keep on giving that dose of reality when those thoughts kick in.

Falling apart while standing on both feet!

If I heard what happened to me in the last few weeks, as a story told by someone else...well, I am trying to visualize my reaction. The very first reaction would go in the lines of "You've got to be kidding me, that sounds like a practical joke".

Through everything that was happening  (and a lot was happening) I kept asking myself the question: "If this was happening to a friend that you love, what would you tell them? What would your advice be?"

This question gave a refreshing perspective of my decisions, especially because what was lying underneath them, wrapped around them, stuck in the very core of them was love, feeling in love and all sorts of other romantic emotions.

I find it so challenging to be wise and rational when it comes to emotions. Which is why my Mum, when she sent me on what turned out to be the biggest and shortest (at the same time) adventure of my life, said "Do what you feel is right, but remember that if things don't work out as you hope and expect you have to stand firmly on both feet again". And I took that seriously. 

Ever since I got back from this adventure, heart broken, sad sad sad, empty, scared, wrapped in questions..I've been trying to stand firmly on both feet. Until one night I fainted in the toilet! and realized that I may be standing on both feet, but my feet are standing on my heart.

I was talking to a dear friend of mine and I told her that I'm falling apart, that I'm upset with myself for not coping well, that I'm upset that I fainted...the list of reasons I was upset with myself went on and on. And she asked me "What's wrong with falling apart? You're not falling apart, it's just extreme, extreme pain that you feel will stay forever. If falling apart is what you're feeling then fall apart".

She expressed trust in me and gave me permission to fall apart! She reminded me of my own question: "What would you tell me if I told you that I'm falling apart? You won't say, how can you, NO, don't, that's not good so stand up..." No, I wouldn't. I would give you permission to fall apart.

The moment I acknowledged that and the moment I gave myself permission to fall apart, I felt like really standing on both feet, in the only possible way I understand standing on both feet- I was being me and I was OK. I was authentic through all the tears, and why's and how's...and at the end of all of that I was smiling with teary eyes.

Simple wisdom

He could have...

If he could have he would have.

A very simple update + a special guest!

I would like to welcome the special guest star of this post: Helicobacter Pylori. 

It's been writing all the previous posts with me but I wasn't aware of that. Now, we're officially together.....on paper that is.

And all because of an incomplete diagnose in 2009,  I am now drinking the well known triple therapy: 2 antibiotics + another medicine I've been struggling to remember (I don't think I will..ever). 

There are two reasons I am writing today and I'm writing precisely this.

Reason number one: I have a very important "life little lesson" that I want to remember: Good health is priceless! And when I have it I would kindly ask myself to remember how I feel now and realize the importance of being grateful for it.

Second lesson: Good health care....costs but it's priceless as well!

Reason number two: I want to publicly express my admiration to all the people that have overcome or are coping with diseases of any kind. I am fighting with myself and "I can't take this" for 3 days now, and it's only 2 antibiotics. It made me think a lot about the fight that people with difficult diseases have inside...every day! The incredible courage it takes to stay positive, make yourself stay positive.

It made me remember my disabled friend that wanted to experience every bit of life, that had so much life, ideas and passion inside. But she wanted to walk through life. She started to go deeper and deeper into "I don't want this anymore" and had said many times that if she doesn't get better by her 30th birthday she wants to die. She died the day before her 30th Birthday 4 years ago. It's really sad, and many people find comfort in not talking about things like this, but I've come to realize that the power of our will and determination is fascinating and inspiring.

Staying positive requires discipline, a special kind of discipline. Connecting with your deep values and intent in times when you feel you have no control over your thoughts and emotions, requires the same discipline. Because the biggest challenge in those moments is remembering that you DO have control.

Yesterday, I couldn't get out of bed and couldn't stop crying (to be fair, crying was due to first day of my period) and today I feel....quite similar, without the crying-so far. And that's why I wanted to write this today!

We all know I know, and have a lot of reminders (quotes,blogs,books) that small things make life. But it's only when we I lose one small thing that we I feel it and realize it on experiential level.

A beautiful girl said yesterday:  "Learning means nothing unless things change"...thank you Lydia I can't agree more.

Spontaneous plan

Again, my own words in my face! Talking to a 9 year old, I heard my own words and it felt like some one else was speaking and I really heard them. Instantly I felt like I have no right to tell her and  at the same time felt I have every right to tell her those things. The very well known conflict of "Do as I say not as I do".

The story is this. The girl I'm talking about is very musical, very gifted and sparkling bright but not a disciplined worker. She had a concert on Thursday and made a proper mess in one of the pieces. We were talking today about possible reasons why it happened and she said she has no idea what happened, all she knows is that she was really scared and her heart was bitting like crazy. I left it there because I wanted to give her space to find the answer for herself.

We started the lesson and every third note was a wrong one until she finally banged with both hands on the piano saying "What's happening ?? Why is this happening when I practiced yesterday". We spent time reflecting and it turned out that she practiced only yesterday since the concert. So, the teacher me then started to talk about discipline and organizing/planning, the importance of consistency and staying in good mental condition. I gave the "every day, every piano lesson, every minute you spend at the piano and every minute you spend thinking about your pieces is a preparation for the public performance or the exam. The more quality minutes you spend the better your performance will be" SLAP!!!! There it was. It's not even a quote, it's my words.

It's been almost a month since I posted something on my blog. And this is what's been going on.There was a voice inside me that was saying "you need to be consistent and make yourself be disciplined to write" and another voice that was saying "you'll write when you have something to offer". Looking deeper into that I realized that it's actually a question of "what is worthy of saying" and the fact that I felt like I had nothing worthy of saying for almost a month. 

Going deeper and deeper I realized that I feel like the space around me is closing and it gets difficult to breathe (metaphorically of course)- be at ease, feel inspired, stay fascinated...and I had a very strong feeling that I want time off. 

But time off what? Time off voices, stories, sounds, obligations, responsibilities...I want time to listen. Listen to the things inside worthy of saying. The things worthy of knowing, even if they're just relevant to me and no one else. Next question was how much time off do I need? As I was about to say it would be so nice to meditate and write every day, I realized that I probably can if I organize myself in that way.SLAP!! again. We're back there.

And then there was the restless kid inside me moaning about spontaneity and freedom. The kid felt very confident because it was supported by the story of my Yoga instructor about the Native Americans tribe. A Yoga Master went to work with them on a research and every day it seemed they're doing everything but the thing that he came for. They kept saying "the time will come, we don't feel like it now"...they were doing exactly what they felt like at the moment. I started thinking how I can put a bit of that in my "I have to do this now" life. How can one plan and be spontaneous?

 In the spirit of the Native Americans, there are two wolfs fighting inside me, one that feels like planning and organizing and the other that is on a "plan free" holiday!

Happiness & love disclaimer

"I love you and all that matters to me is that you're happy"

What we don't know about this is that:

* I want you to stay close to me

* Don't fall in love with some one I don't approve or like

* Don't take risky moves in life

* Don't quit your safe job

* Don't fall in love with someone else 

* Don't do that because it's a potential mistake

* Don't go there, it's not safe

* Don't get married now, you're too young

* Don't go out with your friends that often

* Don't always tell me the truth, only when it's nice

* ________________________________

* ________________________________

* ________________________________

Feel like you could go on filling in this list?

I'm sure you can. 

The selection of "don'ts" is variable, depending if it's a boyfriend/girlfriend's, mum's or friend's disclaimer.

Those are the things we don't say and we're not told about. 

It's a beautiful thought- all that matters to us is that the one's we love are happy. But can we live up to that? Because sometimes it means accepting things that won't necessarily make us happy, especially if we know (we feel we know, actually we assume and think we know) we're right.

Next time you say all you want is for someone to be happy please make sure you show them the disclaimer so that there are no misunderstandings later on. Ooh, and don't forget to also ask for the disclaimer when you hear that!

This is not a joke!

Back in the game on April Fools' Day...not the most serious day! So I want to make sure that I let you know-what I write today is not a joke...I mean it, every word.

The reason I haven't been writing is Chris Guillebeau, to be more precise a chapter of his book, and the reason I am writing again is Chris Guillebeau and his latest post  http://chrisguillebeau.com/3x5/the-family-who-doesnt-understand/

I am seriously upset with Chris. He seems to be the spokesman of my thoughts and sometimes my own blog feels pointless when I read my thoughts on his blog. *Is it too late to say that this is a joke after stating at the beginning that I mean every word???OoopS*.

Two things happened in the same time. I got to the chapter where Chris reminds the readers of the two most important questions in the world 1. What do you  really want to get out of life 2.What can you offer the world that no one else can?
The second thing was, a friend asking me why am I writing this blog and what do I want to get out of it?

The questions that Chris asks, for me apply to everything that I do. They're relevant for all the tiny little pieces that construct the incredible mosaic (at times very complicated and blurry) called- "My life".
That includes my blog.

I felt like the centipede that was an incredible dancer. In case you don't know the story:
The centipede was an incredible dancer and all the little insects came to see it dance. One day after the performance another centipede approached and asked: "You are an incredibly skilled dancer. Could you tell me do you first move the 63rd leg and then the 95th, or is the 96th and then the 43rd?.....The following day the centipede couldn't move a single leg!

After facing those questions that's exactly how I felt. At that time it felt right to find the answers to the questions, and without even noticing I stopped writing.

Today I was reminded why I started writing my blog: To follow the process- my search for those answers. I started it because I love sharing experiences. And I LOVE to do that through writing.

And I'm baaaaaaaaaaack *Hurray,Hurray*.
Stay tuned to meet Sever the cutest Roma beggar that made my soul smile and cry all at the same time.

P.S I will go as a fire(wo)man today. I thought that my pupils might become all too excited if I go as a witch and find a confirmation of their fears :D

Cut the meatball!

My kids have a problem with learning new pieces. From one reason only:
I still haven't met a kid that actually enjoys that process and if my memory serves me right I didn't really enjoy it either when I was little.

By learning a new piece I mean: reading notes one by one, then linking them and being careful of the rhythm, watching all the signs (sharpeners, diminish, crescendo/decrescendo)...all the "boring" stuff as kids perceive them.

And because they don't like the boring stuff, they're not careful so they make mistakes= they become cranky, impatient and some become fine with knowing just one song really well and playing it the whole time.

Kids want to play the song as soon as possible .They want the final product and they want it fast.
They want it so much that they will struggle, ignore mistakes and move on just to get to the last bar.

*I am just coming out of a piano lesson so this is really funny for me*

Then I jump in and ask them to play the first two bars 5 times, challenging them to concentrate really hard and play everything right (instead of saying "with no mistakes").
Then I ask them to do the same thing with the following two bars.
Finally I ask them to link all 4 bars.

In no time they know the first section and have a surprised, almost shocked happy smile with little proud sparkle in their eyes.

At the end of this "miraculous" process, I ask them if their Mum ever cooks meatballs? (some mums apparently make really small meatballs so I then have to find a different object to make my point)

Q: "Do you put the whole meatball in your mouth and eat it in one bite"?
A: "Nooooooooooooooo" (giggles)
Q: "Well, why not"?
A: "Because it's too big and I will choke".
Q: "So, what do you do"?
A: "My Mum cuts it for me".

Always cut the meat ball, and be sure you will not choke.
If you then chew patiently and with full awareness, the digestion will be better as well:)

How often (in a situation that makes us feel impatient, stuck, incompetent...)the whole point is to just Cut the meatball??!!

Name things right!

Few nights ago I ate half bag of Haribo chewy gum bears (no judgments please).


Obviously that's not the best thing to do before going to bed.
You better take my word on this one!


The next day I posted this on Facebook and interestingly it provoked a lot of comments. 
Hey it's Haribo gum bears-sweet/tastes good, who cares about resilience and leadership :)


My Yoga instructor jumped in with a question:
"What made you do it?" 
My reply was:
"My very kind, nice brother putting the bag of Haribo under my nose at late hours"
He then replied:
"Aaaahhh those other people always doing something to us"


Yes, he always knows how to hit a nerve.


I ate those chewy gum bears because of my weakness for sweets, candies and chocolate (aaahh chocolate!). I ate them because I couldn't resist although I knew I should.


This is the RIGHT and ONLY cause of my action.


This trivial event, for me is a perfect example how often we  I are am unable to name things right, meaning we  I lack awareness of how things really are.


And when it comes to naming thoughts, emotions, fears, hopes and reactions it can get more messed up.
Well, the effects are far worse than one night of bad sleep and sugar rush at midnight from gummy bears.


Through Yoga and a lot of personal reflection I realized the importance of naming things right, because it allows us to see ourselves (and therefore others) more clearly. 


In order to name we need to ask. What and Why?


And when I do it actively and consciously every day it makes me feel lighter.
Very often it is a filter on its own, especially when other people and reacting to them is involved.




Hey, did I just write my shortest post??!!! I think I did. YeeeeY.

What we're taught and what we teach

I became a piano teacher almost 4 years ago. I was 20 years old then.

I thought I don't want that. I was very loud when declaring that I don't want to teach till I get older, I want to have a concert career before that...and all that bla bla.

And as you may or may not know, the Universe has funny ways of doing something and then giggle at your surprise and confusion. 

I graduated in June, spent the summer feeling completely clueless as to what am I supposed to do now. Unlike now, when I am constantly reflecting "What I want to do", back then I was concerned with  "suppose to do".

The summer was over and the school year just beginning. 

One day in early September on my way out of the Music Academy, the chief of the Keyboard Department at the State Primary and Secondary Music School approached me with a piece of paper saying: "This is a list of kids I would like you to teach". (That's the moment when the Universe giggles).

In that very moment felt I want that. It felt right.

I wasn't sure about anything else, the career I had imagined before and if I really want that, but I was sure about teaching. 

I have always, especially after all the bad experiences I've had, emphasized the importance of a high quality educational system. 

By educational system I don't mean just great books, great working plan, great schools. 

Above all I mean good, dedicated, inspiring, motivating, humble, resilient educators. 

This was my chance to be that. 

So, I took the offer and started. 

I had 5 kids to start with but the number got bigger quite fast....to make it clear at the beginning, so that any confusion is avoided. 

I often say I have 15 kids now, and people give me reeeeally weird looks.

By my kids I mean my piano pupils who range from 6 year olds to 18 year olds (oh,yes! the difference is amazing:).

And I fell in love, in love with the kids and in love with the process. 

I felt and I still feel every day, so privileged to witness their excitement  when they discover something I take for granted and don't even think about anymore (like how can the right hand play one thing and the left hand something completely different,wooooow), the sparkle in their eyes after the first concert, the process of facing responsibility and realizing what stage fear is....

I am now on the other side, I am witnessing what I was going through years ago.

But, I never thought I would learn so much, that I will be so challenged by 6 year olds to question a lot of my behavior and approach not just to teaching but to life as well. I feel like I'm growing up and developing with them.

One girl that I started teaching last year challenged me to really deeply think about this. Every time she would make a mistake she says: "I'm stupid, I'm so stupid". I was shocked by that. 

But what I noticed after becoming aware of that one girl, was that every kid has a different, more or less negative reaction to making mistakes.

Mistakes are the normal, healthy and I believe the only way of learning. 

But, only if we don't fear them. 

Only if we have built an understanding what mistakes are and how to deal with them. And precisely this is the great responsibility of the teacher! Before dealing with the actual mistake and resolving it, the teacher has to give time to working on what mistakes mean, why they happen and what to do next. 

I encourage my kids, I challenge them to explore the new, to find out things on their own and I tell them that they will make a lot of mistakes while trying that. Only because it's new and still unexplored! 

I tell them that I made a lot of mistakes when I was their age and I am still making a lot of mistakes when I'm learning a new piece.

It's so interesting when you give a personal example, when you tell them that you were once at their age. 

Because kids often perceive us as a "ready product" and it makes such a difference, when they discover that their teacher used to be a kid. 

This might sound silly to a grown up, but kids really relate to the teacher's personal examples.

This approach obviously goes deeper than to just "how to learn" a new piece of music.

If we teach kids to be afraid of mistakes (by not re-checking our approach, vocabulary and methodology) we create generations fearful from the new and the different, scared to try it out.

I believe we are all teachers in one way or another.

Mother Theresa said: 

“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.”

That's teaching. That's teaching and passing on a powerful message.

I'm putting an accent to the importance of teaching kids, because they're like sponges. They absorb everything, they're still so pure that every word we use has an impact on them. 

They still don't have habitual defense mechanisms. We develop those through time.

But it's not that different with grown ups.

It doesn't matter if you're not a teacher teacher (involved in the formal system) . 

If you are a parent, a grand parent, a brother or sister, a cousin, a friend....you are a teacher to so many!

So, when you're talking with someone, when someone is sharing their wildest dreams or deepest fear with you, really ask yourself: "What is my teaching right now"?

I am really interested to know who was the most important teacher in your life so far? Was it a teacher teacher, or a random stranger you met? What were they like, how were they? What was their teaching?

When b2 and g3 get stuck

“Music takes us out of the actual and whispers to us dim secrets that startle our wonder as to who we are, and for what, whence, and whereto.”

* Ralph Waldo Emerson  Thank you Mr.Emerson for the perfecting opening. I feel that playing this blog post would be probably more true, but I am also challenged to put the thoughts in words as well. I had a very interesting Yoga class on Tuesday.  One ridiculous, stupid and a bit unfortunate event on Tuesday morning got me really upset, sad and angry and I carried those three companions everywhere with me throughout the day.  When later that evening my Yoga instructor asked us: "Are you well?" I answered "No". I didn't plan to answer, or thought about talking...that NO just came out of my mouth on it's own. In that very moment I realized that I really needed to talk. He asked me why and I re-told them the story of my morning.  He then very wisely led me through a series of questions, just to reveal the answer I knew already.  He finally asked: "How could you change that feeling" and I answered "We need to find a way to let go of things", and he asked "We or you"? That got me thinking about "I" speech and how much we encourage it during the reflection sessions on our leadership trainings. Emphasizing its meaning and gently pointing to people that they we can only talk about their our experiences with certainty.  I decided that March will be (among the rest) a month when I will look after using "I" speech.  And for me, "I"speech goes deeper than just speaking. It's "I" living, "I" serving, "I" helping... So, what was it that got me upset that day? Injustice and inequality.  The lesson: I value justice and equality, they are among my most firm values, they're a strong foundation of my intent in everything I do.  I had said on twitter the same day, that a blog post "I am not my wallet" will be coming soon, but I didn't write it because  lots of details needed explaining for the whole story to make sense.  But the summary is very simple: Good doctors should not forget to be good human beings. A patient is a patient, regardless of the doctor being a friend with the patient or not, regardless how much money the patient has or doesn't have...And the same goes for professionals in all fields of work. I wanted to tell the doctor about what I like to call "Circle of our actions".  The way he runs his practice, divides his patients to: more important and less important based on their finances.  I am a piano teacher. Artists plus/or teachers struggle with making money (especially in state institutions) around the Globe. Not being well paid can easily become an excuse for not doing your job properly.  What would happen if I divide my students in the same categories? And how will the doctor feel if his child happens to be in the less important category?! The Yoga class helped a lot. I did let go of the sadness and angriness and I realized that they come from a place of love and deep passion about change towards the good for all. The next day I was practicing the piano in my room at work, late at night after working hours.  Two keys (b2 and g3 to be more specific:) keep getting stuck whenever they're used. It's so funny how it annoys the kids when they first discover it.  The physical and emotional reaction of kids to annoying things always fascinates and amuses me, pulling hair, banging on the keys and crying being just a few.  They don't suppress feelings and that's beautiful!  And then they get used and enter the habit mode.  As I was practicing I realized that I have developed a special technique, different for different pieces depending on the requirement.  Basically it involves one hand being used to unstuck the key after it's been used and stuck. Ha ha, this is still funny, it's sort of an insiders joke, but I hope you'll grasp the silliness of the situation. It was really interesting to laugh out loud in an empty school late at night but it actually made me think:  How many stuck keys do I have in life, and how many mechanic reactions I have created to unstuck them?  And to how many stuck keys I am used to the point of not having any reaction to them anymore? I started to unstuck some of them, that were instantly noticed.  Today I spent a good few hours working on my journal and answering the questions I've been avoiding, because of (what proves now to be) irrational fear of not having any answers or having far too many.  My piano at home doesn't have any stuck keys, so my "circus" skills are not used but I still giggle when I come to b2 and g3. To finish of as I started:  “Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent” *Victor Hugo

Mental Note: *DO IT*

This is a mental note to myself and I hope it will be useful for anyone that comes across it.

Randy Pausch www.cmu.edu/randyslecture/ was a very very cool guy. I love his lectures on time management. The reason I love them is because they're well constructed,precise,he gives practical advices for every day use....all that spiced up with very good humor and personal anecdotes. 

Randy actually shows photos of his working desk when he talks about how he organizes himself and his working space.

Why is this important?

Because I can see that he actually DOES all the cool stuff that he talks about.

I hear the lecture, I then hear another lecture, I then read some inspiring life story and the reaction usually goes: "sigh, wow, fantastic, all these incredible examples,fascinating!"

The same night the light bulb goes on, an awesome idea that I want to write about comes to mind. 

I have it all, the idea, the examples and I have a good feeling about it. 

And then I fall asleep. 

Yup, roll to the left and Wonderland here I come!

Do I have the idea this morning? No...no, I don't.

And although the reaction: "Maybe it was not that good in the first place" is comforting, I know it misses the whole point. 

You think post it reminders are good- put on post it reminders, you think 30min. of meditation will set the tone for your day-meditate for 30min, energetic music and dancing around wakes you up and makes you feel good- dance...that's my example,I  actually did that this morning :)

We are very often caught up in thinking about cool things...and that's the difference. 

People we find successful and inspiring DO those stuff, they don't just think about them.

Nope, my idea is not back..yet..in case you were wondering

*Don't think pink elephants, don't think pink elephants*

Change change change

Unlike yesterday when I felt so alive, connected with everything and everyone, when it seemed that the whole Universe has joined me in joy and happiness-today I felt like a deflated balloon.

And the funny thing is ("not funny ha-ha but funny"- this is from a movie, hmmm don't remember which) I saw it coming. I knew that that's the natural cycle.
Up and down and up and down.

I even thought to myself yesterday, remember this happiness and enjoy it fully but also remember that after the rain comes the Sun....and then the rain again.

For personal reasons that I don't want to get in to, the Universe was silent, cranky and numb today. Of course only because that was what my heart was feeling and what my eyes were seeing. The Sun was actually shining bright outside.

Trying to read, do work, practice the piano....futile! Iron Man was inside me saying "Nope, don't feel like it and you can't move me"

But I did. I just went out.

I called a friend and asked her if she wants to wander around town with me and she did. On my way out I took the camera with me...for no reason. I went to a cafe that I wanted to go to in ages, because I love the white embroidered lace curtains (please bare in mind just in case you think "Weird" that I'm an artists and I do tend to like silly little things).
To my surprise...they have amazing sandwiches and coffee as well. It's in the center of the city, 5 min from the main square, next to 15 other restaurants and cafes but it's not popular for some reason. So, it's not crowded. That's the second reason why I love it.

We had a very nice lunch there, took nice silly photos of the curtains and left in search of chocolate cookies. We ended up eating ice-cream...still talking silly photos.

I talked a bit about the reasons of my emotional "deflation" over lunch...but I couldn't find a trace of a negative or sad emotion anymore.

Without noticing it, I actually did what Lisa Sonora www.lisasonorabeam.com suggests in the first steps about unconventional and creative living: be a tourist in your home town! I was planning to do that for some time now, and today it happened. My friend even bought a post-card :)

What I also didn't notice is that what happened was exactly what Chris www.chrisguillebeau.com is talking about when he says that change happens when the pain of remaining in the situation becomes greater than the pain of making a change.


Change, change, change if that's what you feel is needed. And you don't need to have a plan. You'll figure it out as you're going (you might end up going to your new favorite cafe:). It doesn't have to be a life changing, figured out change.

Sometimes all you need is to feel inflated and ready to fly again... :)

Moving to page 33

Weird few days since I started the blog.

I faced the two very big challenges straight away: PMS & continuity and discipline. 

PMS was easier, took 2 strong medicine and  at least didn't care about the all sorts of pains any more.

Continuity and discipline...I didn't lack time, I didn't forget to do it, I just felt I had too many things to say and wasn't sure what's really important and worthed. To be honest, I was scared about so many things that I probably spent most of the time resolving the scary *imaginary* scenarios in my head. Yes, it's fun in my head.

The first day I felt like talking about teaching and my discoveries about the importance of inspiring and motivating in the process of teaching. 

The second day I felt like talking about the challenges of being Macedonian....and my thoughts went: "Hold on, how does this have anything to do with the book, Chris and what I said I'll write about on the blog?"......

Ta raaaam- this is how conversations in my head are created. 

What followed was: "Wait, wait, wait how did this turn about the book, or about Chris? I said I'll be writing about getting to know me. "......and there it was. It slapped me in the face. 

While going through this process of discovering  "what I want to do", "why", "what do I want to get out of life" a part of me was silently hoping that  someone else needs to save me! Chris will...offer me a job, ask me to be a Macedonian correspondent (I created a list of possibilities:)...and that's how I will be saved! So, there I am, the one that talks about "Personal Mastery" and the importance to finding your own recipe for happiness and fulfillment waiting and wanting to be saved! 

When I discovered a whole new approach and technique in piano playing (called "The Alexander Technique") it scared the hell out of me. I discovered it on a 7 day course in London, came back to Macedonia with no Alexander teacher in the country or the region and almost no one knowing what it's about. 

Sitting at the piano was like facing an instrument I had never played before and practicing was unlearning everything I had tried to learn so hard for 15 years. Or better said, what teachers were trying to teach me for 15 years. It was so different and challenging = scary, that every day I thought about giving it all up and going back to the old convenient way of doing things....but I couldn't! It was there: scary, new, myself alone in all that....but it felt right! 

The course happened in July and I had my first concert after it in October. Few colleagues and professors approached to me and said "I don't know what you've been doing but there is a remarkable change in your performance. Starting from the way you walk on the stage". And I was sure I haven't made any progress!

This winter was my sixth time on the same course. A girl from Portugal was at the "I want to give up this is bloody difficult" phase and my teacher gave probably the best possible lecture. She asked: 

" Did anyone said that it's going to be pleasant? 

Did the application form said it's instant learning through game and laughter? 

Did it say that you won't have to try and try, over and over again? Is that why you came here?" 

We all learned the lesson, some for the first some for the sixth time. Yes, the process of learning the most valuable lessons is often not pleasant. It's a big shift, a change and every change requires time for adapting. That adapting can take much less time if you accept that you've made a choice and you're sticking with it.

I can blame the schools in the region for not having an Alexander teacher and waiting for one to save me, but I know well enough that he might never appear. So, I chose to push through the fear and challenges for six years now. 

And I know, I know soooo well that piano playing is no different than every day life. It cannot be separated actually. So, I choose once again to push through the fear. 

I acknowledge the weakness of waiting to be saved and I accept it. I can now move on. It will probably happen many many more times but I am aware of it and therefore it's a valuable lesson on its own.

Chris, I am sorry I got you involved with this, it's not just you I have a list of "saviors" :) You are still a true inspiration every day and I can now move on to page number 33, cos I  learned the lesson from the previous 32.

Second post-done! I can now peacefully go and eat waffle and Nuttela ! Little pleasures of life...

The Beginning

Blog created (Phew) !! WoW, let's make the calculations. I spent a year thinking about writing a blog, I spent two days forming the idea about this blog, I spent 3hrs in total: reading important stuff about blogging, how to create a blog and then creating one. I clicked a lot of possible features I don't understand so this will be a reverse process. I will have my professional blogging tutorial (by a computer genius) after the first post :) 

It's all about the content anyway, isn't it?..hmm.

Let me introduce why and how after a year I decided to start this now. 

Because of "A book". 

The book is "The Art of Non-Conformity" by Chris Guillebeau (for the first time I typed the second name and not "copy-paste" it :) www.chrisguillebeau.com. Chris is one of my favorite people the last few months..although that's not technically true cos I don't know him personally. 

So, Chris's writing is my favorite reading. After detailed reading through his blog, I realized I really really want his book. 

A friend brought it to me from Frankfurt (3 words: Macedonia, shipping, living standard-bad). That's 4 words. I'm a musician so numbers are not my thing.

"A mind". That would be my mind. Hi mind :) I've been doing a lot of exploring lately, personal exploring that is, just to find out all the games that our mind is playing with us and having soooo much fun. 

But they're not fun. 

They're limiting, they create fear based thinking and if I don't do something about changing the rules of the game it could last forever. 

Through exploring my mind, the games, the tricks, the possibilities I am hoping to get to know me. 

"A process". Aaahhh the process.

 Einstein said:  "Learning is experience, everything else is information". I can't agree more. Just going back to when my mum was telling me that it's probably not the best idea to have 10 best friends and tell them everything...well it took a lot of tears and all the class knowing which guy is my crush to learn the lesson. And that's when I was 9. Now, the lessons are different.

Summary: I will write about the process of getting to know me with the help of "The Art of Non-Conformity" book by Chris Guillebeau.

I love creativity, which is why the second book I got is "The Creative Entrepreneur" by Lisa Sonora Beam, www.lisasonorabeam.com. I warmly recommend her techniques for anyone that likes coloring, drawing, cards, stamps for a higher purpose like self-discovery through fun. 

I am in the process of creating a 2011 Strategic Planner (I know I missed the dead-line, that story is saved for another time), so I will write about that experience as well because it's part of the process and it really helps.

My challenges for this process will be:

• overcome the fear to press the "publish post" button
• K.I.S.S ! I'm not good with short, Seth Godin is. This is a challenge on more levels (my boyfriend lives in Tanzania)
• Continuity and discipline. Especially in PMS when all I want to do is stay in bed or punch someone

Respecting the K.I.S.S challenge I am now finishing my first post...

This is really exciting, I can't wait to see what comes out...

Finishing..

Now!